Hundred shades of Scorpio

Yesterday, a group of Astrologers invited me to a live video in their channel and it showed me a few things I had not seen before. (it is in Spanish I'm afraid)

As one of them was recognising Ascendent and Moon in Piscis which she shares, she mentioned being a child that weeped easily, to which I responded I wasn't. In fact I was a quiet and somewhat timid girl, but not always. To that, another astrologer, she is also a Projector in Human Design, very correctly said: because your Sun is in Scorpio, you would have known what to show and what to keep hidden when your Piscis Moon was activated. And this was something that really resonated, being aware it was not safe to show my sensitivity, and also well informed by my Saturn square Moon, I was able to appear unfazed in the face of adversity even when inside there was a tornado, or rather an ocean of emotions threatening overflow.

This is a mechanism that is still very much functioning and I wonder if, it is a recurring pattern that is somewhat responsible for my multiple reservations about communication with my closest family and my long ago and my more recent ex-husbands. I also wonder if it influences that very Neptunian and Piscean inability to see and establish boundaries.

In a way, understanding how far my silence has gone to the point of becoming the most prevalent non-action in my life, not communicating. Hiding, finding another thing that I need to do, or situation / place I need to be. When fear takes over I disappear, I abandon, I leave, I become preoccupied, I spend hours out, marginalised, outside of myself...

What am I afraid of? Or even what is my inner younger self afraid of?

Again I am back in those murky waters, I do not say, I hide my real feelings... The thing is, I do not know why I am here, in this part of the world, I no longer have something that keeps me here, apart from my cats, who are not really keeping me... because I am not with them when I leave, I leave within myself...

When I descend to the dark depths, I spend sometime in fear until my eyes become accustomed to the darkness, this time varies depending on how much fear or panic of the unknown there is.

Sometimes is hours, but it it can be days, and has in the past been months or years on and off. The last deep dive lasted 3 or 4 days and eventually I felt a hand in the darkness that let me know I was not alone. Someone close reminded me of my humanity and said you are this, my friend of 47 years, since the teens, woke me up, made me notice that I could see even without light... I am so grateful... I have to say I started writing while still in fear and now is another day and my eyes are now accustomed.

Yesterday, my other very good friend, (both women live in countries very far away, half a day air travel), had completed 86 solar returns, a very wise and visionary woman, another Projector by Human Design, Sun in Scorpio and Asc in Virgo conjunct Neptune and Moon in Cancer conjunct Chiron, she continues to serve the collective with her wisdom.

I am forever grateful for having these women in my life and many more.